Hell Is Other Robots

LETRA

Hell Is Other Robots

Fry: This is awesome! I've been waiting a thousand years to see a Beastie Boys show.

Bender: Can I get anybody a beer?

Fry: Sure!

Announcer: [on loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen, here to lay down some old, old, incredibly old school beats: The Beastie Boys!

Beastie Boys: [singing] Well now don't you tell to smile,
You stick around,
I'll make it worth your while
Got numbers beyond what you can dial,
Maybe it's because I'm so versatile,
Style profile I said,
It always brings me back when I hear ooh child...

Leela: Impressive. They're busting mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint.

Fry: Will you guys shut up! I'm trying to look cool.

Beastie Boys: [singing] ...known for the Flintstone Flop
Tammy D gettin' biz on the crop,
Beastie Boys know to let the beat...
Mike: Drop! [His dancer drops him and his head flies off the stage. The crowd pass him over them.] Ow! How's it going? [They pass him again.] Enjoying the show? Ow! [They pass him again and he disappears into the crowd.] [shouting] Don't forget to pick up a T-shirt!

Fry: Wow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come on, guys. Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999 ... again.

Beastie Boys: [singing] Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know it's on
I move the crowd to the break of break of dawn...

Leela: Ow! Hey, watch it!

Fry: Man, these guys rock harder than ever!

Mike: [singing] Oh, my...

MCA: [singing] It's a mirage...

Ad-Rock: [singing] Tellin' you all it's a...

Beastie Boys: [singing] Sabotage!

Ad-Rock: [singing] Sabotage, yeah!

Mike: Peace, we out!

Fender: Hey, Bender!

Bender: Hey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you since high school. You still workin' at Jack In The Box?

Fender: Not anymore, baby. I'm with the band!

Mike: Aw! Oh, yeah!

Fender: Hey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet my friends, Bender, Fry and Leela.

Ad-Rock: Y'know, we're really not that interested in meeting them.

Fry: Wow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th century, I had all five of your albums.

Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.

Fry: Cool! Can I borrow the new ones? And a couple of blank tapes?

Fender: [whispering] Hey, Bender, why don't we ditch these organ sacks and hit the real party?

Bender: Count me in! I'm gonna drink till I reboot!

Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.

Fender: Don't be a drag, man. We're jacking on! [He plugs himself into the machine and shocks himself.] Aw, yeah! [He takes the plug out and offers it to Bender.] Wanna jolt?

Bender: Uh, hey, I'm no square but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?

Robot: Counter indicated!

Fender: Come on, Bender, grab a jack. I told these guys you were cool.

Bender: Well, if jacking on'll make strangers think I'm cool, I'll do it!

Fender: Easy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked on this stuff.

Bender: Eh, no need to worry. I don't have an addictive personality.

[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk around a
slum. Hobos sleep in the travel tubes and windows are boarded up. Bender wears shades.]

Fry: Hey, uh, Bender? What are we doing in this bad neighborhood?

Bender: Shut up, square! [Bender walks off the street down into a place called Sparky's Den. His shades fall off. His eyes are blue and electrified.] I'll just be a minute!

Preacherbot: Wretched sinner unit! The path to robot heaven lies here ... [He takes out a 3.5" disk.] ... in The Good Book 3.0.

Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!

Fry: Who was that guy?

Bender: Your mama! Now shut up and drag me to work!

Hermes: Our electric bill's climbing faster than a green snake up a sugar cane. Obviously someone round been wastin' a whole heap a juice! Probably you!

Zoidberg: Me?

Amy: Good morning, Bender.

Bender: None of your business! Get off my back!

Amy: What's his problem?

Leela: If I didn't know better I'd almost think he was abusing
electricity.

Fry: Bender? No way! [The lights dim.] I definitely would've noticed something.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?

Bender: [from inside] No! Don't come in!

Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Today you'll be delivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet!

Bender: Alright, let's get to work! I'll be out in a second.

Fry: I know Big Vinnie said he was giving me the kiss of death but I still think he was gay.

Leela: Did he use his tongue?

Fry: A little. [Leela cringes. Bender sits in the corner chewing his fingers.] You OK, Bender?

Bender: None of your business! Get off my back!

Leela: Uh-oh. There seems to be some sort of electrical disturbance in the Coalsack Nebula.

Bender: A what kind of disturbance?

Leela: Electrical. Anyway, it's going to take some careful piloting to avoid it.

Leela: We're out of control. We're heading straight into the electric field!

Fry: What's happening? I-I feel weird!

Bender: Come on, universe, you big, mostly empty wuss! Gimmie all the juice you got! [Lightning strikes Bender's antenna and he jitters. Another bolt strikes him and a third. His legs melt.] Oh, mama!

Bender: What?

Leela: Bender, we didn't mind your drinking, or your kleptomania, or your pornography ring.

Zoidberg: In fact, that's why we loved you.

Leela: But this electricity abuse crossed the line. You almost killed us.

Fry: And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. Just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs and then he sold me my mom's VCR and then later I found out he was taking drugs. You make me ashamed to be your friend.

Bender: You're right. I'm a lost cause.

Bender: Maybe there's another way.

Bender: Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. [The sign short circuits. Bender unplugs himself and cries.] [crying] What am I doing? What have I become? Huh?

Preacherbot: I see a lot of fancy robots here today, made of real shiny metal. But that don't impress the Robot Devil, no, sir!

Vergerbot: No, sir!

Preacherbot: 'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna plug his infernal
modem in the wall, belchin' smoke and flame. And he's gonna download you straight to Robot Hell!

Vergerbot: Straight to hell!

Preacherbot: So I ask you: Who will stand up and be saved? Who? Who?

Bender: [weakly] Me.

Hermes: And as a further cost-cutting measure, I have eliminated the salt-water cooler.

Zoidberg: This is a witch hunt!

Bender: [singing] Oh, what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day!
(talking) Greetings, friends. Don't we all look nice today?

Fry: Great! He's whacked out on electricity again.

Bender: No, I'm whacked out on life. My friends, I found religion.

Fry: Religion? Is this another scam to get free yarmulkes?

Leela: Give him a break, Fry. If this helps Bender clean up his act then I think we should be supportive.

Farnsworth: [simultaneous] Yes.
Amy: [simultaneous] Oh, yeah.
Hermes: [simultaneous] Oh, yes!
Zoidberg: [simultaneous] Oh, yeah.

Bender: Wonderful. Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony!

[Scene: Temple of Robotology.]

Preacherbot: We are gathered here today to deliver brother Bender from the cold, steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold, steel bosom of our congregation.

Robot #2: Tell it, Preacher!

Robot #3: That equals true.

Preacherbot: Brother Bender, do you accept the principles of Robotology on pain of eternal damnation in Robot Hell?

Bender: Yes, I do.

Preacherbot: Then I will now baptise you. [A keyboard appear from his waist.] Press any key to continue.

Bender: Uh, while you're at it, could you touch up this seam?

Leela: This is unbelievable. The old Bender never would have taken us out to dinner.

Bender: The old Bender's gone. He won't trouble you anymore.

Waiter: Would monsieur care to see the wine list?

Bender: No poison for us, thanks. I'll stick with good old mineral oil.
[He drinks the oil.] Ah! Functional!

Hermes: Mon, I'm hungrier than a green snake in a sugar cane field!

Bender: Friends! Friends! Surely you're not going to eat before we say Robot Grace? [The staff grumble. Bender closes his eyes.] In the name of all that is good and logical we give thanks for the chemical energy we are about to absorb. To quote the prophet Jerematic: 1000101010101...

Bender: ...0010110012. Amen.

Fry: Does that mean we can eat now?

Bender: Yes. [The crew tuck in.] But first, since I love you all so much, I'd like to give everyone hugs. Come here, Fry!

Fry: Oh, uh, but I don't want to.

Bender: Mmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! [Fry, unsure, pats Bender on the back. Bender stands up again.] Come on, everyone line up for a hug. Let's tear down some emotional walls.

Leela: What are you doing to my ship?

Bender: Sanctifying it! [Leela sighs. Bender has stuck on a robot version of the Ichthus.] There! That ought to convert a few tailgaters.

Fry: Bender's stupid religion is driving me nuts.

Leela: Amen.

Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion like Oprah-ism or Voodoo.

Fry: We've got to get the old Bender back.

Leela: And I think I know a way to do it. We have to reacquaint him with a little thing called "sleaze".

Bender: I can't believe somebody hired an interstellar spaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic City. What are we delivering anyway?

Fry: Uh, this.

Bender: Where are we delivering it to?

Leela: Uh, here.

Bender: Another job well done. Now back to the office for an enjoyable evening of fasting and repentance.

Fry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long as we're here why don't we take in some exotic dancing?

Leela: Hey, great idea!

Bender: But ... those girls don't wear cases. You can see their bare circuits.

Fry: Come on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could even drink a little fortified wine.

Bender: What? Drinking wine is a sin. Even if it is deliciously fortified.

Leela: Hey, Bender, look at that woman's purse. It's hanging by a spaghetti strand.

Bender: Thou shalt not snatch.

Fry: And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a heart of solid gold!

Hookerbot: Hey, sailing unit!

Bender: Stop tempting me! For once in my life I have inner peace.

Fry: Pfft! That's for losers. C'mon, sin your heart out.

Leela: Go nuts.

Hookerbot: Live a little.

Woman: Could you hold my purse for a minute?

Fry: Go for it, Bender. You know you wanna!

Bender: Well...

Bender: I'm the greatest. [He opens the woman's purse and throws money into the air.] Woo-hoo!

Fry: Look's like we got the old Bender back!

Bender: You know it, pork pie! Except for one thing.

Bender: Y'know, as a major Hollywood director, I'll be holding auditions tonight for my next movie. And even though you're all young and naive, I think you might just have what it takes. [The Fembots laugh. There is a knock at the door.] Hey! I'm trying to score here! Can't you read the "Do Not Disturb" sign? [He wraps a towel around his waist and opens the door. A red glows comes from the corridor. Bender gasps.] No! No!

Robot Devil: Greetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot Hell.

Leela: What in hell happened to Bender?

Fry: Well he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here. [Nibbler yelps.] Look, Nibbler's caught the scent of vodka and motor oil! Go, boy. Follow that stench.

Bender: I'm hallucinating this, right?

Robot Devil: No, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real. Here's our brochure.

Bender: But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful.

Robot Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin you go to Robot Hell, for all eternity.

Bender: Aw, hell-- I mean "heck"!

Robot Devil: It's alright, you can say that here.

Fry: Wait! I remember this place. They shut it down after all those people caught salmonella from the flume ride.

Leela: Hmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's old religion.

Fry: Unbelievable. It's an actual, factual Robot Hell.

Leela: Who would've thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey!

Fry: Actually--

Robot Devil: We know all your sins, Bender. And for each one we've prepared an agonising and ironic punishment. Gentlemen?

Bender: Aw, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?

Robot Devil: [singing] Cigars are evil,
You won't miss 'em,
We'll find ways to simulate that smell,
What a sorry fella,
Rolled up and smoked like a panatela,
Here on level one of Robot Hell!

Robot Devil: [singing] Gambling's wrong and so is cheating,
So is forging phoney IOU's,
Let's let Lady Luck decide,
What type of torture's justified,
I'm pit boss here on level two!

Robot Devil: [talking] Ooh! Deep-fried robot!

Bender: [singing] Just tell me why.

Robot Devil: [singing] Please read this 55-page warrant.

Bender: [singing] There must be robots worse than I.

Robot Devil: [singing] We've checked around, there really aren't.

Bender: [singing] Then please let me explain,
My crimes were merely boy-ish pranks.

Robot Devil: [singing] You stole from boy scouts, nuns and banks!

Bender: [singing] Ah, don't blame me,
Blame my upbringing!

Robot Devil: [singing] Please stop sinning while I'm singing!

Robot Devil: [singing] Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,
Musicians need that income to survive.

Beastie Boys: [singing] Hey, Bender, gonna make some noise,
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! (disc scratch)
That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five!

Fry: [singing] I don't feel well.

Leela: [singing] It's up to us to rescue him.

Fry: [singing] Maybe he likes it here in Hell.

Leela: [singing] It's us who tempted him to sin.

Fry: [singing] Maybe he's back at the motel.

Leela: [singing] Come on, Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
So just sit back, enjoy the ride.

Fry: [singing] My ass has blisters from the slide.

Robot Devil: [singing] Fencing diamonds,
Fixing cockfights,
Publishing indecent magazines,

Robot Devil: You'll pay for every crime,
Knee-deep in electric slime,
You'll suffer till the end of time,
Enduring torture's, most of which rhyme,
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!

Robot Devil: [talking] Of course, that's just for starters.

Fry: Bender, are you alright?

Bender: No! Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo singing and dancing.

Leela: Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our friend back?

Robot Devil: Sorry, but I hold all the cards here. There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll just sign this fiddle contest waiver.

Leela: Wait. What fiddle contest?

Robot Devil: (sighs) The Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires me to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid gold fiddle.

Fry: Wouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and sound crummy?

Robot Devil: Well it's mostly for show.

Leela: [whispering] Do you know how to play the fiddle?

Fry: [whispering] No. Do you?

Leela: [whispering] No, but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar. [talking] What happens if we lose?

Robot Devil: You'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle. Also I guess I'll kill one of you, uh, him.

Leela: We'll do it.

Robot Devil: Very well, then. Beat this.

Bender: Well, we're boned.

Robot Devil: Your turn. [He hands the violin to Leela. She plays awfully. Fry and Bender cringe.] Ha!

Leela: Time for the drum solo!

Fry: Run!

Robot Devil: Stop them! They cheated!

Leela: Hurry, Bender!

Bender: I could if you'd drop the stupid gold violin!

Leela: Oh, sorry.

Bender: Don't worry, guys, I'll never be too good or too evil again. From now on, I'll just be me.

Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just little less evil than that.

Bender: I don't know. Do you think you could survive a 700ft fall?

Fry: Good old Bender!

Beastie Boys: Yeah, yeah! This one goes out to my man, Bender,
Sending this one out, special dedication,
To all my peoples in the robot homeworld,
Yeah, yeah! Big up with the Professor,
My man, Dr. Zoidberg,
I'd like to shout out-- a personal shout out to Leela,
Fry! My man, Bender,
Nibber, Nibbler, in the house,
Big shout out to all Futurama!